Every now and again I like to plunge in melancholic memories, especially when it is Sunday evening and too little alcohol is pumping through my veins. Seeing how I am surrounded by many a happy couple I cannot help but feel that winter is fast approaching now. That season of the year where the warmth of a human body in your bed heats both, limbs and soul.
But as it seems, I am doomed to lead an existence of short-lived relationships. A wandering star seeing many worlds but traveling too fast to orbit a venus for longer than two years. Without getting too philosophical about it, I have often thought that maybe this is the way humans are supposed to live. Maybe it is constant change that prevents us from being bored to death. But then, with this volatility, you are in for a lot of uncalled-for pain. Especially when apllied to women…
My creator once told me before he left this world: Do not love the women, for only pain can come of it in the end. Granted, his life’s story was not paved with luck and he suffered from a broken heart more than once before the end. But, ever and anon, I am surprised at how regularly the things he prophesied become true in my life. It’s as if I am leading his life again. Maybe this is what reincarnation is all about: Creating offspring to repeat your victories as well as your blemishes…
I like to call myself a true romantic. I love the epoche, the feelings connected to it and the modern interpretations….whatever. But when it comes to women, I feel this dark surge that may in part be the result of my fathers indoctrination. One woman broke his heart early in his life. That was when he planned to consume women like wine and flesh. Whenever I get frustrated about women in my life I feel the strong need to use them like objects. And why not? It is a solid armour warding off all the unnecessary emotional turmoils that lead you astray and prevent you from doing things that help your health and career. A man that cannot be defeated by a woman’s charm is almighty in this world. When the one thing that can bring him down is negated, he can achieve whatever lofty goal he is pursuing….
That man, however, who relies on the loving comfort and support of a women, rides a very stubborn horse that, should it ever rear up, will send him screaming to an abyssal fall. It is very hard to recover from that and stand on your own legs again. I know what I am talking about…painful memories of my Magister-phase come flooding back like so many ravens obscuring the sun.
But sometimes, such a woman crosses my way that I feel the ice of my fathers qualms melt and give way to true hope. Hope, that maybe this time I found the one romantic love that will last through to my very end. In the recent past there was such a woman but I was pitted against impossible odds. This time it was not the pain of seperation but a pain of a different hue and flavour. The agony of an unfullfilled love…
Well, to process my feelings and to somewhat creatively express my current state of mind, I wrote this poem. I dont know if this one woman I would like to dedicate it too still reads my blog but it does not really matter. This is for you…feel my anguish BITCH! *g*
A heart’s winter
Summer fades and winter rises
It all revolves in a circular flow
We daily witness life’s demises
Then rebirth comes to steal the show
It’s the same with human sensations
We stumble through life like buffoons
Like madmen we wail at the moons
We revel in repeated frustrations
Why is a nightingale doomed to die?
Why must beauty so soon decay?
Like night swallows up the day
Again, after love alone I shall lie
The wamth of my heart has ceased
Her smile fades into nothingness
Where joy was once the limitless
Light of my soul that pleased
Batter my heart with frost and ice
Let shadows cloud my memory
Let howling kill the symphony
I shall seek relief in every vice!
What good is love and honest passion?
Man is bewitched by lust’s foul charm
Feeling too deep brings only harm
Life is many stings in quick succession
Why couldn’t she be my Danaé?
Gladly I had been her golden shower
A Satyr’s haunches strong with power
Exalted she’d been in that foray
But all is vain and idle chatter
I spurn morality’s spotless wings
For me, only dullness to it clings
Only sin shall conclude the matter
I shall follow the path of cold
If I am denied the light of Elysium
Give me madness of Pandemonium
Only the unbroken heart grows old